The Power of Deep Breathing to Reduce Anxiety

Several weeks ago, as I woke up from sleep, I had a vision. I saw a tunnel about three inches in diameter open up near my forehead (third eye area). I heard a “snap” as it briefly opened up for a second. I saw a ring of light around the circle, and in the center of the circle were white, twinkling stars in a black background.

AI generated from my sketch.

I’ve never had a vision like that before. I wasn’t scared, but I also didn’t feel ready to go “down that rabbit hole.” I even questioned if I was ready to dive deeper into my spirituality.

To calm my nervous system, I practiced Ujjayi Pranayama. Here is the practice:

  1. Start to breathe in and out through your nose, naturally (mouth closed).
  2. Then take a slow, deep breath through both nostrils. The passage of the incoming air is felt on the back of the palate and makes an oceanic sound (sa). The sound is audible and loud enough to be heard.
  3. Exhale slowly, deeply, as the outgoing air is felt on the back of the palate and makes a sound (ha).
  4. Repeat the cycle for five to ten minutes.
  5. Ujjayi breathing sounds like the ebb and flow of the ocean.

Ujjayi Pranayama is also helpful when practicing yoga, especially during pain when stretching. I remember reading years ago that yoga can give the practitioner the skills to work with pain.

One more thing, emotions are very powerful. We can use our emotions to send out our intentions into the universe. If you feel a strong emotion, send out a prayer with that emotion as a catalyst for change.

Namaste.

Two Canoes (Poem)

AI generated picture.

Two Canoes
by GG

Mother prepares a canoe. The canoe is ready to bring me across the lake to a new land, a new life. I ride alone with the pull of the magnetic moon. I feel the blue waves pressing. I see the illuminated darkness around me. I am drawn toward the bright light. I am not afraid. I arrive in the new land with my head first and a demanding voice. Then I grow every day, and I look at the shining moon above. I see the yellow sun set on the horizon each night. I experience life. Then, one day, Mother prepares a canoe. It’s ready with love to take me back across the waters to the other side. I ride alone. I am not afraid. The shimmering moon pulls me back toward the night sky. The white lights guide my way.

I chose to write about “Two Canoes” because it brought back a memory of one of my hospice patients. As he neared his death, he would say, “It’s almost time to get into the canoe.” He said it with quiet acceptance.

Rome is the Rose

Roses in Rome – Photo by GG

About eight months ago, my friend Roxanne, whom I’ve known for 25 years, told me about a trip she wanted to take. She wanted to join the 2025 Jubilee Pilgrimage of Hope to Rome, Italy, from October 24 to November 1. She found a tour group and asked if I wanted to go. I had planned a trip to Peru at the end of May, so I said no. She invited another friend instead.

Then, about a week before the trip, Roxanne called me. She said her friend and travel companion had pneumonia and canceled the trip. She asked if I wanted to go. I said I would need to check with my husband and ask for time off from work. I was cleared to go on Monday, October 20, but the tour group did not approve the change. On Tuesday, October 21 (three days before leaving for the trip), the tour group accepted me.

Roxanne said it was meant for me to join her on this trip. She had many people praying that I could go, and everything fell into place at the last minute! I had three days to pack—it was a whirlwind! Thankfully, I had everything that I needed since I just traveled to Peru.

Before the trip, I thought about why I was going. I knew one reason was to be Roxanne’s companion. I travel a lot, so I could help her navigate airports and the city (this was my third trip to Rome, and it was Roxanne’s first). There was also a spiritual reason. I wanted to connect with the divine feminine and pray for my family.

During the trip, I connected with my Catholic roots. I also witnessed in every church the crowds were around the statues and paintings of Mother Mary (the Divine Feminine). It made me realize, whether conscious or not, the world is returning to Mother God.

During my meditation, I contemplated the reason why I was going to Rome. The message was clear: Beacons of Light are going to Rome. I would join many others in bringing loving light to Rome. Many times throughout the trip, I mentally put a bright white light around my body. I projected love for the divine Mother.

Rome is the Rose—the foundation of the Catholic Church. The powerhouse of spirituality and human direction. People put their trust and hope in the church. I was in the papal audience, with thousands of other people, at the Vatican. I looked into Pope Leo’s eyes (if it really was him), and I could see the responsibility and even the burden of people’s trust.

I am not the same Catholic girl that I was in my youth. I have opened my eyes to see that many roads do lead to Rome. I am a yogi who believes in the power of my own salvation. Even Jesus said, “The Kingdom of God is within you.”

Ancient Rome is the foundation of the original architects of Tartaria. The Catholic Church puts its stamp on all the ancient buildings. The world of deception is breaking down. Now it’s time to remember.

Although I have distanced myself from my Catholic upbringing, I still believe in the power of prayer. While I was in Rome, I prayed a lot. I prayed for several family members and the world. I prayed in 12 churches during my time in Rome. The tour group also prayed the Rosary almost every morning.

The first Mass of the trip was at the Church of the Holy Spirit in Sassia, near the Vatican, which dates back to the 12th century. I felt connected to this old church and all the history. I felt the holy spirit in my heart and the expansive divine.

Church of the Holy Spirit in Sassia – Photo by GG
Church of the Holy Spirit in Sassia – Photo by GG

My favorite church was the Basilica of St. Paul Outside the Walls. I was born in St. Paul, Minnesota. It was a massive church with huge columns and high, golden ceilings. My friend, Roxanne, said it was like a “taste of heaven.” I could feel the spacious, healing energy. I realized that there is divine intervention and it’s not just fate that plays a hand in our lives.

Basilica of St. Paul Outside the Walls – Photo by GG
Basilica of St. Paul Outside the Walls – Photo by GG
Basilica of St. Paul Outside the Walls – Photo by GG

There are threads of truth in every religion. The truth is about seeking balance, harmony, and peace. It is about consciousness and wisdom as a divine pair. We are on a spiritual journey toward divine light.

Consciousness is the “Christ” that Jesus taught us. Many Eastern religions teach us to let go of the ego and connect with a consciousness that merges with divinity (the Universal Field). Additionally, to transcend the ego, we must seek solutions that benefit humanity. It is the cosmic dance. Humans are part of a greater whole.

We must also humble ourselves because we don’t know everything. When I looked at the majestic buildings and churches, I realized that there was much about our past that we do not know. I felt happy to be on a Pilgrimage of Hope. As human beings, we can change, and there is hope.

According to Wikipedia, a pilgrimage is a journey to a holy place that can lead to personal transformation, after which the pilgrim returns to their daily life. I do feel transformed. I feel calmer and more accepting of all aspects of life.

The energy in the world is stronger. We need to protect ourselves from outside energy. We can do this by purifying the body, mind, and spirit. Eat healthier foods, exercise, do yoga, limit screen time, and connect with our spirituality.

To clear negative energy, we can use sound, just like our ancestors did in old churches—bells, singing bowls, musical instruments, and the voice. Be careful with your thoughts. Meditation is the best tool to clear the mind. We have limited time on earth, so we need determination and wisdom.

Many blessings to you. Namaste.

The Eternal Sky (Poem)

Lough Leane, Killarney National Park, Ireland
– photo by GG


The Eternal Sky
by GG

I arrive exhausted—
The 24-hour time traveler.

The inner chatter won’t stop.
Doubt questions doubt.

Grief fills my heart—too many goodbyes.
Sandstorms blur the sky of my mind.

Thoughts clutter the sky.
Even the bright sun dies.

The moon reflects only the truth.
Can I look up instead of down?

Letting go is my greatest lesson.
Loving-kindness lights the path.

Ancestral sky shaman whispers—

There’s no time in space.
And love is eternal.

I awakened.

Machu Picchu Sacred Site and Mountains, Peru – Arts Consortium of Carver County (ACCC) Gallery

Machu Picchu Sacred Site and Mountains
By Gina Gafford
Through the Lens
Photography
Sponsored by the Literary Committee of the Arts Consortium of Carver County
ACCC Gallery at the Chaska Community Center (artsofcarvercounty.org)
July 1, 2025 – August 31, 2025

I took these two photos of Machu Picchu while visiting Peru in June 2025. Machu Picchu is sacred because the site was inaccessible, and the Incas had deep knowledge of nature and spirituality. It is one of the world’s seven wonders, and it has around 5,000 visitors a day. There are around 1,600 stone steps up to the Machu Picchu site.

The Incas worshipped their gods, including the sun, the moon, the mountains, and the earth. People visit Machu Picchu to experience the sun’s healing energy, admire the stunning mountains, and explore the Inca farming terraces. It is commonly believed that Machu Picchu was used as a royal estate for the Inca emperor Pachacuti.

Chaska Community Center ACCC Gallery (11×14 photos)

Chaska Community Center ACCC Gallery

Our AGI Future

AI Robot in 2030 – generated by ChatGPT

A week ago, during my deep sleep, I heard a masculine voice say to me, “You only have 10 years left to live.” I woke up a little frightened and disturbed. Immediately, I felt like this dream must be kept as a secret. I didn’t want to tell anyone because I didn’t want it to come true.

Now, as I reflect, I wonder what kind of future there is. Some people are doom spending because they think the world is ending. Others are prepping for the worst. I think everyone can feel a shift or something is on the horizon (and it’s not just political).

A possible prediction is AGI (Artificial General Intelligence). According to ChatGPT (I know, here we go), it is a type of computer intelligence that can think, learn, and solve problems like a human across many different tasks and situations. Many experts say AGI will be in our everyday lives by 2030 – that’s in five years!

Sometimes I wonder if the political landscape is a distraction. I think we probably already have AGI, but it’s not released to the public. Unfortunately, there is so much knowledge and information hidden from the world.

Like everything in life, there are positive and negative consequences. One of the positive aspects of AGI is that it could solve a lot of problems like poverty, housing, food shortages, cures for disease, and many other things. The negative is the doom – extinction of the human race.

So, I may or may not have 10 years left to live. However, recently, I received another message while doing a Reiki treatment with a hospice patient. The message stated that for the rest of my life, I need to devote myself to meditation and sacred texts. It’s a divine message to encourage me to focus on my spiritual life.

I also think all of us need to work on our mental health. We need to get in the right headspace, be in the present moment, and think more positive thoughts. Our spiritual development is in our hands – no one can do it for us.

AGI is in our future – whether we like it or not. Amazingly, a small group of people created something that will change the world forever. We need to prepare for this unpredictable future. The way to prepare is going inward, raising our vibration, and focusing on love.

-Namaste.

My Coca Leaf Reading – Tarapoto, Peru

Coca Leaves

When I was at the ayahuasca retreat, our shaman teacher gave us the option to see Donna (not her real name), who offered coca leaf readings for $100.00. The coca leaf comes from the cocaine plant, and many Peruvians chew the leaves. I was curious about Donna after one of the retreat attendees said it was worth having the reading done. She also said Donna was very open – she told the retreat attendee that she’s often too tired to have sex – her boyfriend is 20 years younger than her.

On my way to see Donna, a Peruvian woman who spoke perfect English, I walked with a retreat assistant for 10 minutes through the lush jungle, the sun shining through the branches, and heat mixing with the smell of moss. Upon arrival at her home, a large Brazilian Mastiff greeted us. I was a little frightened because I didn’t know if the dog was friendly or not.

Donna’s boyfriend, a tall man with a long black ponytail, took me into their cozy house to wait for Donna. I noticed a small kitchen with a yellow teapot, a fur rug on the floor outlining a small coffee table, and wooden stairs made with deer antlers leading up to the second floor.

When Donna was ready for me, her boyfriend came to pick me up. I followed him outside to meet Donna. Donna was a petite woman with gray hair pulled into a messy ponytail. She had a sleeveless purple shirt, capris, and no shoes. I followed her to a small maloca (a circular building with wooden supports in the shape of a hexagon). She said I could take off my shoes, which I did.

As I entered the maloca, I noticed white sand beneath my feet. In the center of the maloca, a small table and two cushions were placed. Donna invited me to sit. I sat across from her as my feet sank into the sand. Donna said she wanted sand in her maloca because it helps to ground the people who visit her. She continued to say that many times we want to see the ocean, but it’s the sand that makes us feel good. So, she had a vision to put sand in her “office.”

I brought three small bundles of white sage to give to Donna as a gift. She was happy to receive them. My shaman teacher said they don’t have sage in Peru.

Donna asked me to grab a bunch of dried coca leaves from her zippered pouch. Then she instructed me to hold the leaves between my palms and blow on them three times. After I blew on them with my warm air, I opened my palms to let the leaves fall onto the table.

I looked at Donna as she stared at the leaves. She asked me, “Are you a healer?” I said, “Yes, in a Western sense of the word. I work for a hospital helping people who are dying.” Donna shook her head as she understood.

Donna said, “The leaves tell me you take on too much sadness from your patients and their families. But I also see you were born a healer.” I wasn’t expecting her to say I was a healer. But I was pleasantly surprised that she was intuitive. At that moment, I felt a deep connection to Donna. She also told me to look up paintings by Alex Grey. She said he captures the human spirit in his paintings.

I had prepared four questions in my small dollar store notebook. The first one was, “Is there anything I need to work on for my spiritual development?”

Donna said I need to breathe. She said, “Breath is spirit, and you need to connect with your spirit without any concepts.” She continued to say that meditation will help me. In my head, I agreed with her.

Then she looked at me with concern. She asked me, “Why do you doubt yourself so much? You need to stop that!” I agreed with her – I do doubt myself sometimes. I also get into my head way too much. I need to let go more.

My second question was, “Do you have any insights on my marriage?” Donna smiled a little. She said my husband, Jeff, is a good man, and he loves me very much. She also said I should stay married to him, and we were married in a previous past life.

Donna encouraged me to have more fun with my husband and to breathe together. My thoughts went back to when we were dating. I remember Jeff and me lying together in bed, in my newly rented townhouse, with the soft light of the sunset. I felt warm as we held each other and practiced tantric breathing. We would breathe together on the inhale and the exhale, creating a natural rhythm.

The third question was about my job: “Any messages about my job?” Donna encouraged me to think about starting my own business (like a death doula). She also said I have too much education. I need to focus on spirit and not on more education. I have everything I need to work with people who are dying. Instead of seeking more education, I need to work with my intuition, open my heart, and mind. I need to work on staying in the present moment.

My final question was, “How can I become enlightened in this lifetime?” Donna said I must let go and return to spirit. She said we have things backward. We should cry when a baby is born because of the challenging life that awaits, and be happy for people who die because they are done with their journey on earth.

She didn’t answer my question directly – whether I will become enlightened in this lifetime. Instead, she said that this is her last life on earth – she will not be returning. Maybe she has reached enlightenment.

Donna answered all my questions. I gave her $100 in US cash (which I thought was a lot of money for a thirty-minute reading). She placed the cash under her tablecloth. We both stood up, and Donna led me out of the maloca.

I found the coca reading intriguing, and I’m glad I decided to do it. There are some things to consider, especially her comments about my marriage and returning to Spirit. I am working on positive thoughts and letting go of things in the past.

Namaste.

8 Things I Learned From an Ayahuasca Retreat

The Lagoon – Tarapoto, Peru

Before I went on the Ayahuasca retreat, I knew it would be a challenging retreat. But that’s what I wanted. It would be different from a typical yoga retreat, offering relaxation, gourmet food, and sightseeing. I remember the quote, “Like tea, you don’t know how strong you are until you’re put in boiling water.”

8 Things I learned from an Ayahuasca retreat:

  1. Trust myself. I trust myself but also ask for help when I need it.
  2. Listen to my intuition – My heart and mind will nudge me to make the best decisions for myself and my family. I want to open my mind even more! I ask, “Spirit, what do you want of me?”
  3. It’s okay to feel “unhinged.” During the retreat, I was an emotional mess. I felt uncomfortable at times. But during the storm, I am learning to take shelter. I also need to prepare for stormy weather. Do I have everything I need to make it through? I continue to learn from life.
  4. Be in the present moment—My breath connects me to the present moment. I can feel the air pass through my nostrils. When I meditate, I focus on the inside of my nose. The nostrils serve as the center of balance and the intersection of yin (left side) and yang (right side) energy. These energies meet and open up the third eye (between the eyebrows).
  5. Find ways to calm my nervous system – I need to feel embodied. I’ve learned that I must start with my body to calm my nervous system, such as through yoga and qigong. I also need divine meditation to purify my mind – it’s the only way to clear my mind.
  6. It’s okay to be alone – Even though I have family and friends in my life, the truth is that I journey in this life solo. I was born solo, and I will die solo. The truth is that I am responsible for my spiritual development. No one can do it for me. I must realize I am alone.
  7. Make my husband and family a priority – During the retreat, I realized that I take my husband for granted. Now, with clear eyes, I see how much he loves me, and I love him. I am so grateful to my husband and family.
  8. Let go – Wow! I didn’t realize that I have way too many thoughts. It’s time for me to LET GO. The more I let go, the more I can be in the present moment. Also, I want to let go of my external world. I don’t want to worry about how many friends I have or what I say to people. I know that I am working with good intentions. After I let go of my external world, I will let go of my internal world (attachment to thoughts).

I am grateful to have learned these lessons. I have renewed intentions to deepen my yoga and meditation practice as well. My focus is on balancing the connection between my body and mind. I want to redesign myself into a brave, intuitive, loving, and mindful person.

 To love fully, we must remove fear and pride.
- Angeles Arrien

Namaste.

Loving-Kindness for Protection

Photo by GG

The Buddhist Metta Sutta tells a story about 500 monks who went into the jungle to practice meditation:

Approximately 500 monks who had gone into the jungle to practice meditation were disturbed and frightened by certain spirits. Whereupon they returned and reported the matter to the Buddha. The Buddha then advised the monks to return to the same place, armed with the sword of Metta (loving-kindness) for their protection.

The monks returned to the jungle and radiated their lovingkindness to the jungle and those spirits. Thereafter, they continued with their meditation without any hindrance. These same spirits who had earlier created disturbances later repented and paid their respects to the monks.

This is, therefore, an important Sutta to recite and radiate your loving-kindness to every living being. By doing so, you can overcome any disturbances, find peace and happiness, and help others live peacefully by practicing this great virtue. (From the book, “Daily Buddhist Devotions, by Venerable K Sri Dhammananda.)

Lately, I’ve been practicing a loving-kindness meditation at night, before I go to sleep, or in the morning before I get up. Here is the meditation:

Loving-Kindness Meditation:

To begin, you can sit or lie down. When you are comfortable, take a deep breath. Feel your breath expand the body, and then relax. Focus on the words “loving-kindness” in your heart (chest area). At first, do not think about sending loving-kindness to anyone – just feel the love in your heart. Let there be space in your mind. After a few minutes of focus, you can expand the loving-kindness to yourself, your family and friends, pets, and all living beings. You can close the meditation by bringing your palms together, creating a sense of balance in the body. Or you can rest your hands on your chest.

In this turbulent world, how do you keep calm and loving? How do you protect yourself from outside energy and influences? Please leave a comment (see above near the title).

My Ayahuasca Experience – Tarapoto, Peru

The Ayahuasca vine at the retreat center.

I just got back from a 11-day ayahuasca retreat in Tarapoto, Peru. I was nervous about going on the retreat because I would be far from home and experimenting with an unknown plant medicine. I remember my husband, Jeff, saying to me before I left, “Don’t do anything stupid.”

A week before I went to Peru, I stopped by my parents’ grave marker and asked them to keep me safe while I was there. And now that I’m back, I feel like I was protected.

The retreat center is on the edge of the regional conservation of Cordillera (the edge of the Amazon). The lush forest is full of animals, birds, and insects. At night and during the day, I could hear different kinds of birds, roosters, monkeys, and coyotes. The forest is never quiet. The mosquitoes were out in full force, and they loved me!

The goal of the Ayahuasca retreat is a purify the physical, mental, and spiritual bodies so Mother Ayahuasca can do her work. The main reason to do ayahuasca is to become strong and experience transformation. Many people want to seek solutions to their depression, physical aliments, and drug addictions.

During the retreat, eight other participants and I followed a strict diet (no oil, salt, sugar, or meat) and a digital detox (no cell phone for eight days). We weren’t allowed to use beauty or bath products. To keep the mosquitoes away, we used a natural citronella spray.

I had several conflicts about taking ayahuasca. First, I don’t like taking psychedelics. And second, as a Buddhist, I’m not allowed to take any intoxicants. Honestly, I had doubts as soon as I arrived at the retreat center. I wish I had gone on the yoga retreat instead.

The retreat felt more like an “ayahuasca boot camp.” Many times, I felt peer pressure to take ayahuasca. The shamans treated ayahuasca like liquid gold, and it would cure everything. However, as a tourist and Westerner, I did not grow up in the Amazon. My relationship with plants is different—I didn’t grow up drinking ayahuasca like the shamans did.

I was also given a second plant medicine called “Boa Waska.” The shaman said it will help me open my chakras (the boa is like the kundalini). I was instructed to take it in the morning and before sleeping. It tasted like dark rum. I ended up taking it occasionally.

During the retreat, there were four ayahuasca ceremonies (two during the day and two at night). The first ceremony was at night. I remember feeling anxious about taking ayahuasca. A black and orange butterfly landed on my shoulder as I walked along the path from the cafeteria. I took it as a good sign – that I would be okay with my first ayahuasca ceremony. The butterfly is one of my spirit guides.

The ceremonies were held in a large circular building called a “maloca.” Each person had two mats, a pillow, and a blanket. There was also an ice cream bucket and a roll of toilet paper. Before I entered the maloca, I was smudged with tobacco smoke. There were two shamans and four helpers. The helpers brought people to the bathrooms or filled their water bottles.

Maloca – gathering place for ceremonies

We all began on our mats. Each person was offered Rape (a powdered combination of dried tobacco, ash, and herbs administered up the nose) and special eye drops. I tried Rape up only my left nostril and I didn’t do the eye drops. Then, each person, one by one, went up to take the cup of ayahuasca. When I went up, the shaman asked me how I was feeling and how much I wanted to take. I said, “I was nervous and wanted a small amount.” Ayahuasca is mixed with chacruna, and it tastes like thick molasses.

Then I went back to my mat to meditate. The ayahuasca made me feel dizzy with a mild burning sensation in my stomach. Most people take enough ayahuasca that they eventually vomit or have diarrhea. Ayahuasca creates an inner volcano that eventually erupts.

I sat and cried a little after repeating, in my mind, “Mama Ayahuasca.” I was crying because when I said, “mama,” it reminded me of my mom who recently passed away.

Eventually, I received the message to let my mom and dad go. It was time, and I didn’t want to hold them back energetically. Then I had a vision. I saw a gold cross in a tunnel, and my parents were walking towards it. It was a peaceful image, and it made sense that I saw a cross, given that my parents were Catholic. However, the cross is seen all over the world. The cross has a Christian meaning, but it can also represent the human body, the four cardinal directions, eternal life, female anatomy, the chakras, and the union of heaven and earth.

My vision during the ayahuasca ceremony (AI generated from my sketch).

During each ceremony, the shaman sings Icaros – magical songs. The shaman comes to each person to sing directly to them (for about 15 minutes). I hummed along to open up my chakras, especially my throat chakra.

After the ceremony, I had a headache and I felt slightly nauseous. When I lay down to sleep, my heart was racing. I felt anxiety, and I wished I hadn’t taken ayahuasca.

That night, I dreamt that an older shaman gave me medicine in cream-colored powder. The shaman had straight black hair in a bob and was dressed in colorful traditional clothing. My dreams, during the retreat, were vivid and memorable.

The second ayahuasca ceremony was during the daytime. I decided to hold the cup but not drink the ayahuasca. However, as I sat on my mat, I could feel the energy of the people around me. I kept reminding myself to “keep my health and follow my intuition.”

On Sunday night, June 8, I dreamed of an ambulance with lights flickering passing me by. When the ambulance stopped, I looked into it and saw my dog, Liam, on the stretcher receiving help from the paramedics. He was still alive but not doing well. Then, on Monday morning, the shaman said my husband had called last night, and she told him I would call him back in the morning.

Jeff said Liam was acting weird and falling over. I told him to bring Liam to the vet. Later, Jeff said Liam was struggling to breathe, and he had to put him to sleep. It was the first time I’ve ever heard my husband cry. I cried, too. I felt so sad.

My dog, Liam, was a 14 years old miniature schnauzer. He was on medication and was declining for several months. I knew he might not live too much longer. I felt super sad for the rest of the retreat, but I decided to stay calm and stay in the present moment. I didn’t want to always be sad and bring people down. Unfortunately, grief was my companion during the retreat.

The Buddhist Salla Sutta states that wailing does not attain peace of mind. It only brings grief and hurt to the body. Mourning only makes the mourner emaciated and pale. It does not help the departed. Therefore, mourning is meaningless.

The Salla Sutta continues by saying that even if humans were to live a hundred years or more, they must still yield to their lives, at last bereft of friends and relatives. Therefore, listening to the wise and the holy and seeing a beloved one departed, control your weeping. Reflect on the departure of your beloved ones by thinking that separation is natural.

We grieve because we love.

During the next few days, I realized I needed to be in control. And I have a lot of fear about my health. My roommate, Rosanne, said maybe it’s because I see dying people all the time (in my work as a hospice massage therapist). I get too concerned about my body moment by moment. It’s hard to let go. I wanted to remain in homeostasis.

The shaman said I must be more “child-like” and let go. I need to trust. But I have difficulty trusting people, especially since I am far from home. I have travelled all around the world, and I have seen people get sick, and it’s not fun.

I kept telling myself, “I must be strong and healthy” – nothing can disturb my commitment. I will let go of taking ayahuasca to remain stable.

The third ayahuasca ceremony was during the day. Again, I held the cup and prayed for my family, friends, and pets. The fourth and final ayahuasca ceremony was at night during a full moon. I decided to take a small sip. I wanted to have the plant medicine in me – to give it a chance.

Sitting on my mat, I imagined using sign language to communicate with Mother Ayahuasca. I read somewhere that Mother Ayahuasca likes to communicate in images. I signed to her in my mind, “Show me what I need to know.” I know that ayahuasca will continue to work with me in the months to come.

When I thought about what makes a good shaman, I thought of my mentor, Sister Lucy Bruskiewicz, who passed away in 2022. She deeply cared about people and honored them. She never forced things and met people where they were in life. I hope I can follow her example.

I learned a lot from the ayahuasca retreat. For example, I learned to stand on the ground despite being shaky. I saw my weaknesses and knew I wanted to improve myself. I also realized that I am strong amid peer pressure. I want to work on loving-kindness toward myself and others.

The retreat restored a sense of gratitude in my heart. I am so thankful for my health, my devoted husband, my beautiful family and friends, loyal cat, and my country.

I am happy to be home. I was born in St. Paul, Minnesota. Like shamans worldwide, I can reconnect with the land around me and learn about medicinal plants. I am home, sweet home.

Namaste.